This is an absolute gem!
I got this forward n am still RONFL
Southern Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows
me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
When they said love was blind, they forgot to tell men that the standard mode of communication for women who are in love with you is some complicated form of braille. And this will be very well manifest by the end of today. There are men who will get everything about this day wrong because they misintepreted what their women said. Mine said nothing about Valentines or her expectations. However by nine, she had wine and chocolates sitting in a nice gift basket by her desk. Not because I believe in Valentines. But because I believe in a woman’s ability to make my life a living hell.
I know there are enough men who were told by their women statements to the effect that they dont want anything for valentines, that they should NOT do anything special and all those other blah blah blahs which you thought were music to your ears. And you believed her. Well, let me take this early opportunity to call you an idiot. Whatever she said was a trap. And you fell for it hook, line and sinker.
If you walked around town this morning, am sure you saw men who were walking around with flowers and avoiding eye contact with everyone. And others who were buying flowers like crack and kept looking left, right and center like they were snitching on their fellow men. And as soon as they bought them, they’d hide them or walk around stone-faced like they were forced to buy them. Well, these are men who attended Women-101 lessons and paid attention. These are the bright ones. They will buy wine, flowers and chocolates. And the ones feeling sufficiently philanthropic will throw in a gift or dinner date.
For those not-in-the-know, women expect all manner of things on Valentines. Which is why some result to the act of Valentine Masturbation (a.k.a buying yourself flowers) mostly because they want to show their friends they are not lonely and unappreciated. So they result to acts of loving themselves inappropriately in a bid to save face. That is why when women have someone who should be treating them well, they expect it to be done. According to them, its not a favor, its a duty.
And when you take her the wonderful niceties, she will say something like, “Honey, you shouldn’t have!” Thats simply means, “Finally! My boy is learning braille.”
So to all those men with women in their lives who are sitting around scratching their balls, surfing and reading blogs and havent bought their ladies something, you better do so before the end of the day. And instead of that wife or girlfriend you are used to, you will be going to bed today with a suicide bomber. That is if you can make it till bedtime in one piece. …